Monday 10 June 2013

Bentley Bonananza, M.I The Martyr, And Laugh-Spiration

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Few of us like a Monday, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
Partriotic Gossip! That’s the mood from last week. We sang and cried our hearts to the sound of the national anthem, kissed the glorious Green-White-Green flag with wet lips, and our hearts were heavy with the weight of what Nigeria had achieved in 14 years of democracy: nothing. So after feeling very sad, we packed up our selves, hearts and all and went back to earn our daily bread and butter.
Amebo also went back to his field of gossip, peeping, gathering gist, and presenting it to you on a platter of gossip. Enjoy!

Bentley Bonanza
What is the greatest invention ever made by man? Cars, electricity, the internet, cellphones, Game of Thrones, or space shuttles? Who cares anyway? Ahem. For me, the greatest invention ever made was Nollywood. Yes, putting together the terror squad of  Saint Obi, Jim Iyke-Chan, Segun Scaryinze, the Ramsey Albinoah,and those crop of greedy singing actors- Tonto Dikeh my pokolicious love, evil Patience Uzokwor (Mama G), and Stella Damasus was the best thing humanity ever did to itself. I know you all reading this will be scratching your heads and shaking it like say I wan kill your pastor, or your imam…or your babalawo, but since, I run this show, you better sit up and accept all I say as truth because Amebo is anointed with the talk-talk authority to spread the gospel of gossip. I run this show!

Anyway, still on the invention story, let’s board a Danfo to Lagos, because all sweet stories come from Lagos. Those guys from the music scene are at it again. They believe the greatest inventions are cars. Who can blame their dumbness? When you spend all your time in some studio where you do nothing but singing trash, smoking expensive igbo, getting high on imported kai-kai, and sleeping with anything that moves and has a hole…(even their dogs). Make una no blame them. I beg una.

Mi (4)

So since they think they’re smarter, and have moving priorities, they don dey buy plenty of motor. Recently Wizkid, (Banky W’s boyfriend) got a Porsche Panamera, and I was like “excuse me?” That’s no news. I chose to ignore the cars dem, being content to eat my Tuwo. Drink my Kerewa, and drive my Legedez Benz . Until last week when some of this people make me know say I never hammer. 2 Nigerian artistes carry plenty money go buy Private Jets. Relax, I bin dey play. I meant to say, they both bought Bentleys. If in case you no sabi wetin Bentley be, lemme educate you, dumb. Ahem. Bentleys are Supercars, produced in obodo Oyinbo, and they are worth in excess of N40m. That should be enough for now.

2shotz shows off his Bentley

That short black boy, M.I wey don become chairman, and 2shotz the short man. 2 short men wey like tall things. M.I bought his own, made plenty noise sotay, me I vex. 2shotz just shot some photos of his short self and that was it. Congratulations. Una do well. But next time, we no wan know. We live in a country where even Pastors dey buy private jets from the Lord’s Vineyards, and talk more of Local Government Chairmen. Those ones? Let’s don’t go there. We are happy for you, but keep your purchases, to you, your family, and your gateman. Thanks.

Democracy Day? Who E Concern. M.I Again.
Even though I’m like the most courageous man online (it takes mind to be a gossiper), I categorically want to state that I can never die for Nigeria. It’s sad? I know. I’m unpatriotic? big deal. You dey vex? Hug transformer. I’m smart? Thank you jare. Chop eye-kles. But one thing I know is that the last way any one of you would like to see your maker is by catching a grenade for Naija. Because you go explode into bright tiny pieces, Nigeria go cry for one day, then the next day, everybody go return to earning their hustle, and you’ll be missing all the good things of earth while you’ll be singing in heaven, chilling off in purgatory, screwing virgins in paradise, or having a hot massage in hell. Whatever works for what you believe in.
So when democracy day reach again, I no worry myself because no be today wey we don dey die for better Nigeria. And frankly, Nigeria dey better small small. And even sef, wetin we dey celebrate when nobody go cook rice for us, or give us pure water make we use hold throat. I no send! Leave Nigeria jare make I yarn small gist.
First, let’s do a little classwork. Pick the odd one out: Nnamdi Azikiwe, Jude Abaga, Tafawa Balewa, Dele Giwa, Moshood Abiola.



If you didn’t get the answer, then my friend, you are not a Nigerian, and God is watching you. Just pack your bags, your bombs and your ammunition and kindly leave my country. Thanks for your cooperation. Any true Naija pikin go choose Jude Abaga, because the rest are national heroes who lived and died for the country, while M.I is a national Chairman  who sing and rap for the country…and buy Bentley too.
On democracy day, while everybody dey mind their business, leaving Mama Nigeria to chop the national cake alone, M.I no gree leave us to rest. He decided to toy with activism. Maybe the guy think say we wan start Occupy Democracy, so he decided to come earn himself an assassination with his own forum for national matters. He titled it; ‘Talk About It-The MADC (miabaga.com) Campaign For A Better Nigeria’. Where he invited angry youths to come talk their mind. But then the youths no send. No be Democracy they make them para. Na brokenness dey disturb them.
So M.I, take your time o. Concentrate on your ajebutter rap and new toys. Leave activism for activists. You are a rapper, not a politician. But if for any reason you feel guilty that you’re making too much money, and you want to do something for Nigeria, then politics is not the way. Instead, just like Papilo Kanu Nwankwo did with his heart foundation, open The Jude Abaga Height Foundation, where short people in Nigeria can go and receive counseling to help them deal with the stigma of lacking a few centimeters. Thank You.

Laughing Legacy!
Let me announce to you all that I love books. I have read over a thousand books and still counting. I started with Porn Magazines, and moved up the decency-ladder to angry preachers, hungrily reading my way through everything in black and white, black and brown, and grey and brown. So it is with great authority that I can say that I am the smartest gossiper alive. Or I’m just a dumb braggart. But remember I run this show, and if you’ve read this column up to this point, then you’re in love with my way of gisting, which is a very sick way of writing. Hmmm! We both need help. Professional help.
Back to the matter. Of all the books I read, the best are the Biographies and autobiographies. Again, I’ll condescend to say that these are stories of the life of great men, written to compell, inspire and motivate you. Bill Gates has one, Cristiano Ronaldo has one, Nelson Mandela has one, and I think Wole Soyinka will soon have one too. But then we live in a country where greatness is defined by the size of your bank account, and your popularity. So anybody with some change can go right out and write or hire some poor talent, maybe their village headmaster to write for them. So it came as no surprise when Nigeria comedians, after exhausting all the jokes they can come up with, or recycle, they have decided to start creating records of their life. Julius Agwu has released his own book, AY is set to follow, and next, I think Ali Baba will join in.



I just hope it’s not a new business venture because these books are supposed to motivate and inspire us. But since the comedians are writing it, I think their selling points will be their jokes. Instead of just inspiring you, these books will make you laugh too. They will be a Laugh-spiration to us all. So let’s all buy these books, and read.
I have recommended, and since you now love me so much, obey my order!

Peep Shot Of The Week
Terry G And his son having some quality time together

Terry G Baths Son


We all know the madman that Terry G is. In fact his madness is free. This one wey the boy eye dey shine like that, you sure say the boy no dey bathe with Alomo? Quote me anywhere, the first full sentence that boy will ever make in his life will be: “Daddy, Pass me the Ganja, make I knack mummy Akpako”.

 

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